Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize