he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
