Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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