and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
