Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize
