John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
