im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
