Will you blow on my dice?
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
