Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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