Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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