So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
