I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
