i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize