can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize