I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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