you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
When are your genitals available?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
