I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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