Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
