Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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