Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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