This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
