I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
