just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
