why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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