omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
