Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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