You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
