im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
