I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
