so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
