It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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