Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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