yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
