Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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