I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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