yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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