I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
