Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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