they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
