She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I deserve this hangover.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
