Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
