i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
