they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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