fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Randomize
