I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize
