I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
