If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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