How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Oh god it's open bar.
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