I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
