don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
