FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
