woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
