I want her autograph on my taint
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
