Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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